To look at me now you might not think that I used to act out quite a lot?! And the funny thing is, I knew others were looking at me thinking I was weird for blowing up or shutting down over seemingly minor things. But I literally couldn’t help it.
When I’d get home on these occasions I would spend full days in extreme anxiety and countless nights anxiously ruminating. The days were very intense, with serious head pain and crippling fear of leaving the house or having to interact with anyone. I used to replay the triggering conversations over and over and think about what I ‘should’ have said and then try and make up what I was going to say to them the next time I see them but it was just more anger and confusion. The nights were less intense but a lot more frequent and caused a ripple affect because of poor sleep and irritability.
This type of unhealthy mind play had usually gotten me through my twenties and early thirties, along with going out for a few drinks to release or forget about it? However, my turning point came when I had too many issues going on all at the same time which no overthinking or going out drinking could solve.
It all came to ahead one night when I woke up alone in the street, some of my belongings stolen and in a real drunken mess. I felt very ashamed and guilty as my wife-to be had been worried about me all night and I also had to go to her mums house in that mess as it was the closest place to where I was to get cleaned up. That is definitely not what I wanted to continue happening. They both deserved to see me as someone who could look after myself and be a stable person.
Maturity means making good decisions but I’d never realised that it was a bad idea for me to go out when I was feeling emotionally triggered until then. I am lucky that my wife would never judge me or tell me to change and is always truly there for me. But I decided to have some much needed time off from going out for drinks to recover and to maybe find better solutions. And it really was one of the best things I’ve ever done, I was healthier, more clear and I started to look at other ways to deal with emotions.
Those ways were - Not going out when I was triggered for a start.
And then instead of trying to think my way out of solutions accepting life as it is.
Researching and aknowledging my own personality and traits.
And lastly resting lots and when up to it trying mindfulness meditation, guided meditations and expressive journaling.
When I discovered Expressive journaling I was amazed at how the words flowed out of me. Like they were there on the surface ready to come straight out. By writing whatever came to mind I was able to explore and express what I was feeling in great detail without blaming or shaming. It was good because I finally had a lot more understanding about myself and also more understanding about others. When coupled with a laying down guided meditation, amazing sensations happened.
Healing wounds and layers of childhood trauma have really returned me to my inner peace and helped me start living my best life. I suppose you’re wondering what kinds of childhood trauma I have experienced? The thing is it doesn’t really matter.. there were different kinds, mostly verbal from a care giver but also other random events that without realising it had caused emotional wounds.
Now I am able to pretty much always get quality sleep and a lot of my triggers have been dissolved/healed meaning outbursts and anxious overthinking are a lot less of an occurrence. If I do get triggered then this is still my go to method.